I recently asked myself two questions: What do ethics feel like? And why do we use emotional words in relation to ethics?

How do we feel when we observe a person behaving in an ethical or unethical way? What does it feel like to act ethically or unethically? I have personally felt anger, fear, guilt, shame, confusion, gratitude, relief, pride, and admiration in relation to ethics.

One example is my recollection of my feelings as a cynical teenager when I recognized that a new friend had behaved in an honest and courageous way. They had the opportunity to keep a quantity of cash found in a bag left behind on a train but took it to the police station instead. They felt compelled to “do the right thing” ethically, but I did not. I felt confusion, then admiration, then guilt about my instinct to keep the bag’s contents. What did this say about me?

By their actions—informed by their underlying value system—my friend educated me about ethics. As my attitudes changed and my cynicism diminished, my instincts, decisions, and behavior also evolved.

Emotions play an important part in ethics and how we understand people’s values and actions. This connects with the underlying social contract of Transactional Analysis (TA) with its five principles of respect, commitment, responsibility, protection, and empowerment.

Ethics are lived and experienced through our emotions. Whether it is the pride of returning a lost wallet, the anxiety of confronting wrongdoing, or the outrage driving social justice movements, emotions guide and shape our ethical choices. Even regret and shame, though uncomfortable, can lead us to reflect and grow.

For example, when reading about a recent court case, I was struck by a statement that I have read hundreds of times without wondering about its emotional context: “The jury deliberated and the defendant was found guilty.” A word used to describe a feeling is also used to describe a legal verdict.

The dual meaning of the word underlines society’s expectation that people who we believe are guilty should feel guilty. Yet, a guilty verdict cannot be translated automatically into an emotional response. In contrast, what emotions arise when people are later proven to be innocent of the wrong we believed they were guilty of? Or when we are convinced of someone’s guilt but there is not enough evidence to prove it?

I recently heard a politician described as “shameless” for their unethical behavior and attitudes. Evidently, they were supposed to feel ashamed, but they did not appear to. For some people, ethical boundaries may not exist, and ethics may be irrelevant to their worldview. I wondered: if not shame, then what, if anything, does the “shameless” politician feel?

The philosopher Martha Nussbaum (2001, p. 3) suggests: “Emotions are not just the fuel that powers the psychological mechanism of a reasoning creature, they are parts, highly complex and messy parts, of this creature’s reasoning itself.”

Next time we face an ethical dilemma, I encourage you to ask yourself, “How do I feel about this, and why?” Note what words you use and whether they relate to emotions.